When the radiologist said to me in March 2019, “There are three shadows near your left breast that we would like to biopsy” my heart skipped a little beat. I knew that this was the ‘sign’ I’d been waiting for, the sign to seriously address what the f I had been doing with my life. Because of complications that radiologist called an ambulance. I was rushed to Emergency. When I got there I was triaged as an emergency within emergency. I’ve always been a big achiever but at the same time I’d been resting on my laurels in so many different areas of my life, just cruising through. This sign said to me, you can stop drinking a bottle of wine a night, stop smoking social joints, stop eating processed food, stop overloading your body & mind with toxins. The whole experience landed me in hospital for 6 days. Had I learnt my lesson? No. I needed something more dramatic to take me to the next level. I contracted Influenza A when I was in hospital. I didn’t know until I hit the floor. The next day, via ambulance I was taken back there. Another hospital visit just overnight. Then Flu A, 6 weeks of lying in my bed at home contemplating life. I seriously wondered how I was ever going to get back to my regular routine which was big, it started at 5am with walking & running. Then something else happened, I have this thing (like a lot of people particularly women) who think they have to 'Do it all.' That was me. I decided I had to walk the dogs & take a call at the same time. Then it happened. I fell down the hill and rolled my ankle. It was so severely sprained that I had to crawl back home with two dogs on their leads. Another 6 weeks to work out that, it wasn't necessary for me to be doing everything. I wasn't in control after all. I had to finally surrender. I was a high functioning person even with the toxins I was consuming. See the thing is, like Clare Pooley & other sober people talk about, you don’t have to be homeless, jobless & arrested to give up alcohol. If the toxic relationship isn’t working for you, just like a bad boyfriend, you can break up with him. So that’s what I committed myself to doing, I broke up with alcohol. June 23rd 2019. I started, quite happily, taking a walk. I didn’t know at that point that I would give up alcohol entirely. I just decided that I wouldn’t drink during the week. I was frightened at this point, I was f terrified actually. How was I going to do that? But just like if you have an addiction to chocolate (this is a Weight Watchers tip for those in the know), you don’t go down the chocolate isle at the shop. I decided that I wouldn’t line up in the isle at Aldi right next to the alcohol. I then would walk out of Aldi without that defeated feeling. I was one of those women you see with that haunted, worrying look on their face of dark circles and dry skin leaving the shops hurrying to get home to crack open the bottle that I’d been thinking about and justifying to myself all day. I decided instead to drink tea and water. On the weekend I could have wine. Again, I couldn’t stop after 2 big glasses. My resolve went out the window and again I was left with the dreaded fear. So many Sundays waking up with hangxiety (that’s a hangover with anxiety). What did I do, what did I say, did I offend anyone? I’d had enough. I decided to buy cranberry & blackcurrent juice & drink it with sparkling mineral water. That would be my ‘treat.’ This lasted about 2 weeks when I realised that what I needed to treat myself with was life. A real life. Water, one of the most sustaining nourishing elements that I certainly did deserve! As I moved away from alcohol towards hydrating myself, which took around 6-10 weeks, my sleep improved deeply. I wanted to fast track it of course so I did this with capsules that I made, 2 drops each of Lavender (stronger than benzodiazepines), Copaiba & Frankincense. I monitored my sleep with my Fitbit. My average sleep is now 8 & a half hours. This knock on effect allowed me to start my weight loss journey. Since June 23rd I’ve lost 11 kilos. In these past 4 months, I’ve loved myself through choosing to nurture and care for myself. Cold water immersion therapy, ocean swimming, running, a new gym class once a week... through these activities I'm accessing the medicine cabinet of my brain & going for dopamine, endorphins. It’s an ongoing process, I’ve cleared out the negative and replaced it with things that illuminate me instead. All I did was make one small decision. This lead me to making more positive choices and affirming that I did matter. Life responded to me. Happiness is chasing me. With love, Katie 🌷
